As I step into church on Sunday morning, I clutch my latte mug as though it’s my tie to earth. The lady guarding the door shifts as I approach. Her hand blocks my way. “Sorry but we don’t allow drinks in here. You can stand over there and finish your coffee,” she says sweetly. I am immediately pissed.
I look over at the three people standing nearby with their coffee cups. They are smiling, engrossed in a conversation. It’s way too early to talk.
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I mutter to my husband, “There’s no way I’m drinking this whole thing right now.” He suggests putting it in the car. I’ve had like 5 hours of sleep and all I want to do is sit in church with my latte! I am furious.
I notice my ridiculous thoughts.
1) I should just go home. That would show them.
2) Stupid idiot people that spill their drinks and ruin it for the rest of us.
3) Rules are dumb.
4) How dare she tell me what to do.
I am angry like someone lit a match in my chest cavity. We wander back and it takes all my effort to smile politely when she thanks me and touches my arm. As the band starts playing I notice three girls in the next row. They each have a coffee cup sitting on the floor next to them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The main singer pauses between a song and says that he senses that there are people today who are bitter. I answer in my head, “Yep, me.”
His comment throws me slightly off kilter because when I think about this fire of bitterness that is burning internally, my mind says, “Well then just let it go.”
I answer back, “No it’s mine. I can hold it if I want to.”
Hmmm. Okaaay. That response was slightly unexpected.
The singing eventually stops and the service begins as I dissect the fire. I am angry because in the moment she “told me what to do” I forgot that I am an adult, perhaps due to my lack of sleep, and suddenly became a kid again.
When we were little, my brother and I hated going to church. We’d fake sleep, but were forced to get up. The clothes I wore were not dressy enough so I would have to redress in something my parents picked out. Then it was the stress, which included all the small fights on the way to church, so that when we stepped through the doors we could be perfect and calm.
But I am an adult now.
All that was required to rid myself of the bitterness was simply a willingness to let it go. But I held it because I wanted to be right and justified, because I wanted to keep holding it.
Maybe it was my resentment against people telling me what to do, or a way to lash out at the ways I felt powerless in my past, when I felt had to comply.
Fair or not fair, this incident wasted roughly an hour of my time and only hurt me. It’s amazing how, as adults, our subconscious has no age and no grasp on the timelines of our lives. It throws triggers out at random.
When I realized, of course, that I was the one being stubborn, it was easy to let it go.
All it took was my willingness to let it go.
Willingness.
That is all.
* What situation in your life riles you up?
* What keeps you holding it?
* What might change if you were willing to let go?
With Love,
Z :)
Thanks for reading. If you liked this post you may also enjoy:
Do you React or Respond?
The awesome part of “no”
Be Thankful For the Things You Don’t Have
What I Learned from Two Prostitutes and a King
13 August, 2014
Really enjoyed this post, Christen. Wish I had more time to read so many of your others. Hope you are doing well. God bless!
13 August, 2014
Thank you. Congrats on your new blessing. :)
25 July, 2014
I liked this post a lot Christen, and now I want to read that book as well!
25 July, 2014
Thank you :). I’d be interested to know what part is most interesting to you about the book.
With Love, Z ;)
24 July, 2014
Good morning lovely friend. And I know you woke up an amount of time ago that is still acceptable to say good morning. In a good way. Because I know you stayed up late pondering wonderful thoughts in relation to your blog. About this post. It is so crazy that we just had a conversation about how we can only control our response to things without having discussed this. It’s hard to be “willing to” sometimes. I find this struggle in my life day-to-day. I read this book called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and it’s sort of a self-help meditation book. She talks about “cravings” and “desires” in a way that you can easily place into life. Such as a craving for alcohol, food, or a desire to say something. One thing she goes over that stuck with me throughout the years is this: “While grasping on to what we desire is part of our conditioning, it blinds us to our deeper longings and keeps us trapped in a craving. Freedom begins when we pause and pay close attention to our experience…. While we might still pursue what we want after the pause, at least we do so aware of some of the tension…. While desire naturally arises again, the wisdom of seeing that everything passes is liberating. Observing a desire without acting on it enlarges our freedom to choose how we live.” I know you might be thinking, how in the world does this relate to this post, but Ive definitely had the same reaction to small, stupid little things people do.. and the first step for me to be more positive and a better human being is to be willing to pause, and know that I have the authority over how I react to things people say or do to me. Don’t we all want freedom? Hope this wasn’t rambling. This post definitely inspired me to crack open this book again! Thanks Z.
24 July, 2014
Thank you. So funny that someone else also mentioned Radical Acceptance, i think I might have to read it. Second times a pinch, third times a charm. I love the part especially about observing the desire. It brings me back to recovery, when I was still desiring the binge/purge cycle. There was a time period where i had to learn to take that pause before running down that preconditioned neuropathway. I remember my therapist telling me that it was important to write down what thoughts etc were happening while i was triggered and then even if I was going to go ahead and take that pathway, at least I would do it knowing why. I think the why is so helpful instead of unconsciously following the same patterns. Consciousness is the first step to realizing our power to choose. Good night lovely friend. With Love, Z :)