Is Your Relationship Unhealthy?

Is Your Relationship Unhealthy?
by Z Zoccolante
(Listen to the audio of this post in the blue box below)

I’ll always remember the afternoon I stood in the kitchen making lunch with a friend. In a tangent of conversation she told me how she was once in an abusive relationship. She was smart, self-assured, and had an air of straight talking, no tolerance for bull.

She told me that he’d hit her and say mean things to her, while other times he’d be great. I asked her if she’d told her family back then, specifically her dad, because I knew my dad would kick the living life out of anyone who did that to me. She had told both her mom and dad. The problem was they didn’t believe her. He was wonderful and successful therefore she must be overreacting, they thought. Months later they were all gathered in the kitchen during a family event. She said something that rubbed him the wrong way and he snapped and pinned her against the wall by her throat. She said his face dropped in panic when he realized he slipped while other people were in the room. Her parents believed her after that.

Listen to or download the podcast of this blog.

Download

The most recognized form of abuse is physical abuse, but abuse comes in many forms. Both men and women can be abusers and victims, but since men happen to be more statistically aggressive and physically violent, I’ll refer to the abusers as “he.”

Why do People Abuse Others or Tolerate Abuse?

Social Learning Theory says that we all have an 18-year internship that teaches us how to be in the world. It forms our “normal,” and teaches us what love and relationships are, and are not. Unhealthy or abusive behavior, or the toleration of them, can come from learned behavior or behavior that we’ve been introduced in early dating relationships.

Thanks to social learning, some of us don’t have a clear picture of what healthy relationships looks like. Many people, who are currently being abused, don’t identify in being the victim of abuse because they don’t define, recognize, or categorize the behaviors of their partner as being abusive. Instead, they might talk it about it as,

“My boyfriend just gets mad or crazy sometimes.”
“He just says mean things to me when we fight.”
“That only happened because I did BLANK.”
“He just doesn’t like it when I BLANK”
“Things are great until we fight and then the fights are bad.”

The “abusive” behaviors that their boyfriend exhibits towards them might be, “normal” for them, or might even better than what they’ve experienced in their households growing up.

National statistics state that, women between the ages of 18-24, are most commonly abused by an intimate partner. If we have kids, it’s vital to be able to educate and support them as they grow and begin to enter into romantic relationships.

If we, ourselves, learn what abuse is, we will have the power to make a different choice and empower others to do the same.

If we are going to teach, model, and strive for healthy relationships we have to articulate specific behaviors that constitute a healthy relationship? The first is simple: we should feel safe with our partner. Below is a short list of other signs of a healthy relationship.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship:

The person respects you and your individuality
You are both open and honest
They are supportive of you as an individual and your choices, even if they disagree
You have equal say and there are respected boundaries
They understand, and respect, your personal time with other people and/or activities that don’t include them
There is open communication without fear of negative consequences
You feeling safe with them

Simply stated, unhealthy or abusive relationships have the opposite patterns of a healthy one. But let’s lay out exactly what abuse is . . .

Forms of Abuse:

Physical Abuse
The most recognized form of abuse is probably physical abuse, which is any form of physical contact with the intent to cause harm. Physical abuse includes hitting, shoving, slapping, biting, strangling, kicking, or using weapons.

Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is also widely recognized and includes forced sexual activity, rape, coercion, or even restricting access to birth control. There can be extreme jealous here as well. Sexual abuse comes in both forms: contact (touching), or noncontact (no touching). Both are sexual abuse.

Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are often lumped together. Verbal is specific to tone of voice for example, swearing at someone in anger.

Emotional/Psychological abuse
Emotional/Psychological abuse is the most long lasting because it becomes a part of you. It can be passive aggressive, overt, or slow, steady brainwashing because if we hear something enough we will believe it. Examples of verbal/emotional abuse are threats, insults, constant monitoring, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, or stalking.

Digital/Technological includes demanding passwords to electronics, cyber bullying, sexting, excessive or threatening texts, or stalking on social media.

Financial is when the partner uses money as a means of getting the victim to stay in the relationship and to keep them dependent on the other.

Warning Signs of Abuse:

Checking your cell phone or email without permission
Constantly putting you down
Extreme jealousy or insecurity
Explosive temper
Isolating you from your family or friends
Making false accusations
Mood swings
Physically hurting you in any way
Possessiveness
Being demanding and/or controlling
Telling you what to do
Pressuring or forcing you to have sex

It’s possible that you may recognize, or identify with, some of abusive patterns above. You may also realize that a pattern in your current relationship falls under the definition of abuse. If this is you, please see the resources below to assist you in creating a different life for yourself and your relationships.

Hotlines: