How to ask Follow-up Questions in a Non-Creepy Way

Posted By on Nov 17, 2015 | 0 comments


How to ask Follow-up Questions in a Non-Creepy Way
By Z Zoccolante
(Listen to the audio of this blog in the blue box below!)

 

Some of us are used to unloading our entire day on a friend and then maybe listening as they unload theirs. Even though both parties are talking, this dynamic can be unfulfilling.

 

Conversation 101, might tell us that a dialogue is like a tennis match. Joe hits the ball over the net and Sue scampers for the ball and hits it back. If Joe or Sue held onto the ball for minutes at a time YOU DON’T HAVE A TENNIS MATCH. The whole point of games with nets is to keep the ball moving.
 

 

Both parties in a conversation usually feel most lit up when the conversation ball volleys back and forth.

 

First off, there are times when this conversation rule doesn’t apply.

Ex:

  • Joe: Hey Sue, how are you?
  • Sue: Really sad. I just signed my divorce papers.
  • Joe: Wow, sorry to hear that. I just had a fight with my sister and blah blah blah.

 

In this conversation, it’s appropriate for the ball to stay on Sue’s side, maybe even for the entire conversation, and Joe can sit on his racket and be a good friend.

 

Let’s say it’s not a crisis-like or emotionally charged situation, but rather a normal day.

 

Recently, I was in a conversation where I started the convo as the listener. After a while I noticed I was feeling drained. Instead of saying I had to go, I chose to stay connected and said very politely, “Ok, now here’s the point where you ask me something.”

 

My friend, who cares about me and who previously had a conversation about the tennis volley with me, immediately adjusted and asked me something about my life.

 

After I talked for a bit I wanted to give the ball back to them but it proved difficult.

In every pause they fired off another question that kept me talking. The thing was I WANTED TO GIVE THE BALL BACK TO THEM, it just seemed as though they didn’t want it.

 

A conversation, like a tennis match,
includes being comfortable
with both the
GIVING & RECEIVING.

 

For people who aren’t as comfortable with this natural volley, here’s 4 tips to use the Follow-up Question to be a rock star your conversations.

 

Using The Follow-up Question Well:

 

1) Ask 1 or 2, Follow-up Questions: Aka Don’t be a Creeper

 

It’s important.

Ex. If I tell you I have a sister and you ask one question about her, that’s cool. It’s shows you were paying attention.

But, if you ask 6 follow up questions about my sister, now you look a bit creepy and I’m concerned about why my sister’s so interesting to you.

 

2) Tell me More

 

Listen for key words or concepts that your friend is talking about. Then ask some personal variation of:

  • Tell me more . . .
  • Say more about that . . .
  • Tell me more about X . . .
  • Then what happened?
  • How do you feel about that?

 

3) They’re telling you because it’s important to them

 

 We all have that friend or family member who tells us random things or events of their day. Instead of getting frustrated let’s take another viewpoint. Let’s assume that people talk about things that are important to them in some way. We might not recognize how they’re important, so to us they seem trivial or random.

Let’s ask so we can connect. Say something like:

  • I’d love to hear why X is important to you.
  • I’ve noticed you’ve told me a lot about X. Can you tell me why X is special to you?
  • It sounds like X means a lot to you. (Then listen)
  • What makes X important to you?

Asking these questions usually invites a deeper conversation, and connection. Plus your friend feels heard and we all know how wonderful that is.

 

4) Be Willing to be Uncomfortable

 

Humans have this knack for not wanting to burden others with our problems. There’s also a push for positivity, so we can gloss over things that hurt or cause discomfort.

 

Humans also have cool superpowers called feelings and intuition, where we can sense when the words don’t match the emotion. People often don’t know what to do with this info because it causes some discomfort in us. Good. Learn how to stay with it. If you feel your friend is trying to do the fake positive thing, lean in (metaphorically).

Ask them:

  • Do you want to talk about it?
  • I hear that X, but is there something else going on?
  • I sense there’s something else going on? Is that true?

 

People have told me incredible things simply because I’m not afraid of their emotions, or their darkness. People don’t want to be viewed as being “too much.”

If you’re someone who’s comfortable sitting with someone in their shadows, call them out on it every time, and ask them if they want to talk about it.

 

Forward Locomotion:

If conversations are like tennis matches, we’re half of the game. When we genuinely show up for our friends and allow them to share their lives with us, they’ll be more willing to give us time to share ours.

Here’s to the volley. Win/Win.

 

How to ask Follow up Questions in a Non-Creepy WayWith Love,
Z :)

Thanks for the eyeball love and insightful comments on my last blog The Most Powerful Thing you can do for your Relationships. Check it out if you missed it.

 

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Complete the Equation (fill in the blank)