Stop Freaking Out About Cellulite: The Simple Question You Didn’t Think to Ask.

Posted By on Sep 23, 2014 | 6 comments


 

I’m in the bathroom scrunching up a pair of pantyhose into both sides of my palms and pulling them over my toes, up the length of my calves. They stick at my thighs – seemingly too short to reach my hips. I think, “Frick. I bought the wrong size.” But my confusion lingers. I purposely read the size chart on the back of the package and this should be my size?

 

I tease them up my calves, tugging where any millimeter of material will give. Finally I squeeze myself in. I feel them press against the outsides of my thighs, like a ring around the largest diameter. A sensory memory resurrects itself.

*

I am fifteen standing in my underwear and pathetic excuse for a bra. A woman wraps a flimsy measuring tape around the largest points of my thighs pulling the ends together like she’s wrapping a present. A pencil dangles between her lips like a horse’s bit. When she releases the tape, the white snake spirals to the floor. She jots a number down and stares at the paper.

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I understand I am misproportioned – my large thighs do not match my small boobs. “You could tone this up a bit,” she says pointing to my hips as though she’s sharing with me her favorite shade of blue. The pragmatism in her tone indicates the sensible solution.

It’s so simple. I’m unnerved with how I’ve never thought of it before. I must adjust my lower half to match my top. Then there will be symmetry, and she will be happy, and I will be good enough.

*

In the bathroom mirror I pull up my accordion skirt and stare at my upper legs through the pantyhose. It looks like someone’s been throwing rocks at my backside and the indentions stuck around. My mind still remembers the body of the girl I used to be. Sometimes there’s a split second of disconnect before I recognize the reflection – that this body is me. In a microsecond my subconscious pulls a sunken ship to the surface. Each word is a room and they break the surface together, as an entity – Cellulite. Gross. Fat. Dirty. Ugly. Undisciplined.

 

How did I let myself get like this, I think?

 

A microsecond after that, I realize the answer to my own question is simple. I “let myself” get this way because I’ve allowed myself the freedom to live.

 

I have “allowed” this cellulite because my priorities have changed in the best possible way. I no longer spend my days obsessing over every bite of food and exercise and berating myself. I no longer refuse invites for dinner and friendship out of the anxiety of connecting or uncertainty of food. The perfect image of what my body “should” look like is no longer my focal point, the measurement of my worth.

 

These dimples in my skin represent the meals and belly laughs I now share with friends. They represent the time and energy I have claimed and now use to focus on my goal and dreams instead of ever-thinner thighs. They represent connection in my marriage and being present in my life.

 

Just as crows feet will one day tell the tale of my smiles, these dimples represent freedom from the eating disorder that once consumed my life. They represent all the wonderful things I have won since shedding the ridiculous belief that the measurement of my worth could ever be defined by the topography of my body.

 What about you?

What part of your body do you judge in the mirror?
What are the positive things that this body part represents to you?

With Love,

Z :)

6 Comments

  1. Nice post Z! I immediately stared at my thighs in the mirror.. haha :) We all have body parts that we don’t like or wish they were different.. And I think it’s very important to love and accept yourself no matter what, or as you say “reframing for love”. And I also think that BALANCE and a shift in attitude is important. If we think of things in black and white – that’s destructive. When we obsess about something – that’s destructive, just like when completely “letting go”, especially when it comes to our health, can be destructive, too. Exercising, healthy eating, body scrubs can be fun if we want them to be :) I’ve noticed that when I forced myself to exercise it was worse than not exercising. So, I chose boot camp and yoga because they make me happy. Of course, I’ll eat ice-cream (over greens) to add to my cellulite, lol.. But greens became yummy when I started adding them to my smoothie in the morning. And, who has time to do body scrubs, wraps, massage, etc.? But I bought a huge pack of organic coffee from Costco for like $16 and I use it as a body scrub when I take morning showers (at least once a week). The coffee smells delicious – which helps to wake up in the morning – and it tones the skin better than any other scrub I’ve had! I guess, my cellulite’s ego was bruised a bit after some of my attitude shifts.. lol :)

    Post a Reply
    • Z Zoccolante

      I like the reminder that “Exercising, healthy eating, body scrubs can be fun if we want them to be.” Adding the fun back into these things is such a great focus because you’re right -there can be a balance and it can be fun. I do the coffee scrub too. It makes me happy because it reminds me of when I’d play in the river and warrior paint myself with mud. It reminds me to BE like a kid again, when things were more about the experience of things than the critique of them. Thanks for sharing. I love your little cellulite’s bruised ego. :)

      Post a Reply
    • Z Zoccolante

      haha. Thank you Laura. :). I have found it very helpful to always question what the mind tells us cause usually it will shrug how awesome we are and remind us what we lack. Reframing for love is important. xoxo With Love, Z ;)

      Post a Reply
  2. another awesome blog and am happy you can live with yourself and be happy with your image. It is amazing an amazing feeling when you can love the person back staring at you in the mirror and be happy knowing what you have gone through to get to this point. I agree that people should grow gracefully and be happy with what age will bring. Crows feet/ the hours of laughter you have experienced etc. Love that you love yourself. :) happy writing

    Post a Reply
    • Z Zoccolante

      Thank you. It seems that there is only that choice – to focus on what is and find the joy, or focus on what lacks which brings sadness and frustration. Loving ourselves is an ongoing process but vital and well worth it. After all, we are the person we hear most of the day. Continue to grow with grace. With Love, Z ;)

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